The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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