Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
