When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
