I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
