Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Randomize
