May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
