I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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