So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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