apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
