She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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