Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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