Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
