my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
