Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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