Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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