he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dick very happy bro
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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