I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I need water and some morals
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
