Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
