Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
