I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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