I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
