ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
