I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wanna go halves on a baby?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
