1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I heard we made out
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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