Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
