Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
