I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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