I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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