You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
