I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
