WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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