should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
