Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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