Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
