If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Church boner. Awkwardddd
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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