and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
