I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
