I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
