well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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