end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
