Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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