Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
