she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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