I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
