sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
