i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
