You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
