Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
