It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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