Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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